Most Awesomely Sad Song Ever

In Dr. Who, a show I enjoy, there is a conversation between two people:

K: What did you come here for anyway?
S: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
K: What's good about sad?
S: It's happy for deep people.

I love that quote because it helps me feel okay about being sad sometimes. In the realm of sadness is the very powerful song Snuff by Slipknot. I'm not usually a Slipknot fan, but this song radiates depth in sadness. Here's the song with lyrics and no pictures.



I find psychological catharis in depressing songs - makes me feel that my fate isn't quite as down as I sometimes think it is. I have too many cheerful things in my life that when I hear a song like this, my mind grasps harder onto what I'm thankful for.

Now to breakdown the song - most of you can do the basic lifting for yourselves. What strikes me is the lack of mercy, compassion, and any kind of forgiveness. He has experienced so much rejection that he reached a breaking point where he just wants to walk away. The song isn't only sad but hopeless - which is much worse than sadness from loss or emptyness.

Hopelessness is the natural response when there are no answers but only emptiness. It is the lack of emotion or connection. Having studied hopelessness from the inside, I realized something. Servanthood is the primary act of restitution.

For me, Acts of Service is the love language (of the 5) that I understand and value the least. But this revelation has increased the value of this love language in my eyes, but only situationally. When the others have been misused and distrust has grown, Acts of Service can finally play a powerful role. It may be the greatest love language, because it speaks of help with no call for reciprocation or payment. Who can argue with the behavior of someone who self-humbles to the point of service? Certainly not me.

Mecum Omnes Plangite

Hello, old bloggites of mine,

We have Trans Siberian Orchestra tickets. Once again we will get to hear O Fortuna live in concert. Lyrics here. See the last line for title translation.

This will be my third time seeing them - my second time here in town! We are taking several family members for their first time - our Christmas present to them. I can't think of a better gift, honestly. Hopefully they will enjoy the rock show.

Best concert ever. Poor Charlotte will have to wait until she's older.

My second college degree

It's accomplished! I had a goal of getting a second bachelor's degree, and so I have done.

My side quest was to receive straight A's. I received 15 A's and 1 A-minus (in Copy Editing of all things, but I had good reasons for slipping a little).

I also bought the student version of the entire Adobe collection of programs, many of which I now have some experience on - all of which I need more experience on. I want to be a jack of all design trades, given the fact that I'm very good at most things in life but great at none of them.

I have decided not to touch the programs, though, until I have time to properly welcome in the newborn in my life. I'm considering this time to be both my vacation with absolutely no homework allowed, while also catching up on things like the yard, washing the dogs, reading some informational books about liz...I mean, babies, some movies, friends I have barely seen, play testing the game I built, projects at work that I now have more brain room for, and basically just lining up all my ducks before the arrival of the tiny loaf that's currently in my wife's oven.

Homework is a terrible drain. I understand the need for summer vacations now. It's not particularly hard all the time, but the constant nagging thoughts of having some big deadlines coming up and the pressure to succeed with every single assignment is quite draining.

Still, I succeeded at school. I survived the homework. Soon I get to press the world to find a better place in it. I like my job, but I need more money.

So, the scholastic break is over. Time to tackle full parenthood and the world wide workplace options.

Couplet

I don't have much to say about having a baby yet. Can't figure out if I'm a father now or when I have one in hand. Anyway, getting started with some writing a smidge early. Enjoy.

Little woman, petite and feminine,
like an angel, bringer of good news.

My board game

As I mentioned in my last post, starting in the middle months of my school program, my creative brainwaves were struggling with the lack of creativity. I have a steady creative streak in me that I need an outlet for.

The interesting timing of this particular creative streak is that I was praying for a way to make more money, because I need to support my family. Within the next few weeks, I was consummed by ideas for this game. This strikes a chord in me from a sermon I heard a couple years ago. The sermon spoke about God filling our brains with money-making ideas when we ask Him for help. We just have to follow through. I haven't made a dime on this yet, but I'm putting this out there now - I think this idea is a God thing. I'll be crushed if it's not. When building/thinking about my game, I feel a sensation that comes most often when the Holy Spirit is actively working in my brain.

Anyway, the game is fun. Really fun. I'm not going into game-specific details here, but it has potential to be a big hit in the market, if there's still a market for board games. I just have to find the right company to work with.

I pulled some rules together, then made some horrible game pieces and a rough board. Let me talk about a few things: the board, the pieces, the game design, the play testing.

The board was a seed of an idea I planted into Microsoft Publisher, which grew into a mighty solid foundation. The idea led to a design that led to further ideas. I had the idea for hexagonal spaces that would lend to more board movement ease. Then I just started copying and pasting these spaces together. They began to form a board. The shape they formed was brilliant, and the spacing allowed me to create further design elements. I'm being purposefully vague here. Hopefully, I'll be able to say more later, or hopefully, you can just buy the game.

The pieces started out on paper, and I had to cut them out. It was rough. We're talking over 300 little pieces of paper. When these failed, I tried to make them better and printed them on better paper. When that failed, I bought colored wood pieces. These worked okay, but I could see big problems with them - like they were just to big for the board spaces. So, now I have circular pieces with numbered stickers on it. It's functional. Not ideal, but workable.

The rules of the game are layered with strategy. The key to good game strategy creation is to know what behaviors you wish to reward and what behaviors you wish to punish (usually simply by making it harder to win because you lack the rewards others are getting). I layered the strategy by making small rules that must be worked in conjunction to maximize effect. Those of us who are testing my game have ever-evolving strategy based upon the little rules I have set in place.

The play testing has evolved as well. The beginning was rough, I'm not going to lie. But now, as small tweaks are made, the game is becoming a robust, fun, strategic game. Friends are signing up to play when I am able to schedule tests. Those who play report to me that they want to play more. This is a good sign.

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

Consider my brain stretched

My wild ride of school is exactly two weeks from being over. During these last 18 to 20 months, I have defeated my sleep-mares of failure by throwing giant letter A's at them. My wife and I have become pregnant. I invented a board game (more on this later). I started and have been successful at a new job.

So far, I have 14 A's and 1 A-minus, with one class to go. My brain is stretched. I have been really past my homework limit for about 3 months. It's time to be done.

Can't wait.

Will be blogging more in the near future.

A-B-B-A

My world is precarious
a circle - fate and destiny
in the balance, eternity,
large and small and various

moments of passion and rage
the respite of competing
and the mind-numbing bleating
the oncoming storm of age

birth and burial, bookends,
a middle full of means
conscience light and clean
and choices without amends

violence without action
pain without remorse
justice without recourse
choice without redaction

truth and consequences
faith that fractures might
those lonely in the night
fools who sit on fences

fall upon your pride
bleed to save your life
upon the skin the knife
free the poison inside

for pain defies the reasons
and pleasure refines the peace
hold strong till breaths cease
when purity defines your treasons

breathe in the scent of pander
breathe out the words of tripe
ignore ad hominem and hype
the allegations of slander

truth overcomes the muse
words destroy the illusion
of love, kindess, inclusion
and secret hidden abuse

throw off tyrannical reigns
put on the belt of truth
grasp the undeniable proof
until it courses through the veins.

An interesting coincidence

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I'm feeling down - not blue like when the weather is constantly dreary. Down like when people who should love me and continuously say they love me demonstrate rejection by their silence.

My drive to work is 8 minutes - 10 if I hit both lights as they turn red. My drive to school is 15 minutes. These times are important.

I headed to work in the morning yesterday. Normally I listen to AM sports talk radio. They just went to commercial, so I flipped to FM and scanned the channels. A powerful song was on the Christian radio station. It touched me in my sadness and breathed a small breath of hope in my soul. I nearly cried in the car.

I left work to go home. Dr. Laura usually accompanies me for those brief minutes. She was interesting, but her caller was super boring, so I switched to FM and flipped through the channels. The same Christian station (by the way, it's #6 on my dial and I almost always go in order from 1-6) was playing the same song. Again, I caught the song moments after it started. It really touched me deep in my soul once more. It was an interesting enough coincidence that I mentioned it to a couple people at my class later that evening.

So after class, I'm driving home. I normally listen to Love Line because after class is the latest I'm ever up listening to the radio. Well, my project group had been working a little late, so I was about 20 minutes later heading home than normal. Love Line went to commercial, so I started flipping. No station was playing a song, so I kept flipping for 60 seconds. I landed on the same station as before for about the third or fourth time and found the same song playing once more - it was at the beginning.

What are the chances that in the total of about 15 minutes that I listened to music on the radio that I'd hear the same song, 3 times, and catch it near the beginning every time? I did not hear another song on the radio in that time either.

Coincidence, maybe, but God's fingerprints are all over it.

Oh, you want to know which song, huh? Here it is.



I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears,
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day
where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away
the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me
from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears,
no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day,
He’ll wipe away the stains,
He’ll wipe away the tears,
He’ll wipe away the tears
There will be a day.

Catching up on all things bloggy

1. I'm still getting straight A's.

2. I was very sick for about 3 weeks. I used 70 hours of paid sick leave. I lost 10 pounds in 12 days.

3. The sickness made me miss 2 periods of 1 class, which is normally cause for dropping the class. My teacher decided to reward my perfect attendance up to this point by giving me an Incomplete until I get the work caught up.

4. Having a pregnant wife is interesting but not as interesting as people say. I've seen it before. It's the same, except it's happening to me. She's also calm and happy to be pregnant, so she remains sweet instead of whiny, despite the growing pains.

5. Regardless of issue, my viewpoint will be different from most people. This is not a new characteristic for me. I always end up in a different place by a different path. One thing remains consistent - I want to be the best (not my best, but THE best) at everything. Fatherhood is no different.

6. Seeing my grandparents and aunt, uncle, and cousins has become one of my favorite traditions during the November/December holiday season.

7. I emailed my father. He called me presumptive. So nothing's changed in our dynamic.

8. I've seen several interesting movies. Wish I could remember which ones. Moon was disappointing. HP 6 was disappointing. Saw a Hitchcock film, Rebecca, that ruined the coolest parts of the book of the same name. I guess Hollywood has been ruining great books for at least 70 years, then.

9. I only have 8 weeks until I'm done with classes. (Well, not entirely. I dropped our online class when the teacher gave us too much homework in the syllabus and wanted to have us meet for class twice at the school. Kind of defeats the purpose of online, then, doesn't it? I'll have to take this class during the summer.)

10. I'm sure there are more things. Maybe I'll have the time or inclination to write more after I step out from under the rain cloud of never-ending homework. I wanted to give homework up for Lent, but my wife thought my idea wasn't truly in the spirit of Lent.

Later, folks.

The long wait during Christmas

Ten years ago. TEN! Christmas was coming. The school year was wrapping up. Surprisingly, I had just found out that this friend of mine had a terribly powerful crush on me. Never had someone of such high caliber been so interested in me. Sensing opportunity, I decided to pursue her.

We talked.....and talked.....and talked. I found her to be a scintillating conversationalist. She was a long-term relationship person. Two relationships, multiple years in length. I was a short-term relationship person. My longest relationship with a girl up to that point had been nine months (of which, during the middle three, she was out of the country). None of the others lasted more than three months.

So we talked about foundation building. We talked about waiting until after the break to see if God was speaking to us. Waiting to see where our hearts would lead us. I knew potential when I saw it. Long-lasting relationships are equal parts pursuit and reflection. The reflection is the mental building of a forward base as in a war.

Several factors were weighing on me. Three prophecies in my life were showing signs of coming to fulfillment. I had hidden these prophecies in the secret place of my heart that I might know the signs. I use the term prophecy loosely here. In this story, it means something in the past that spoke toward the future.

The first prophecy was a prayer I prayed when I was 13. I prayed that after certain events happen in my life, that God would introduce me to my wife. Well, those events had recently come to conclusion the previous summer. I met Hanna one week after.

The second prophecy was from a friend of mine. I was the best man at his wedding and I was depressed in the months heading up to it. He was younger than me and was getting married. To comfort me, he told me that by the time he got married, I would have met my wife. For some reason, I kind of believed him. Also, I wanted to see if he was right or wrong.

The third prophecy came from me as well. A couple of Valentine's Days prior, I sat in my room for the second year in a row suffering emotionally from a breakup with a girl. As I sat there in my room feeling miserable, I prayed to God that, since I had never had someone to cherish over the romantic holiday, I would spend every single V-day with only one girl.

All of these weighed heavily upon my decision-making process. This particular Christmas season was the longest in my life. Every day seemed to drag in perpetuity. Over the years I learned that I give my heart out too quickly. So I set about to guard myself from future pain. All of these things formed together to create the mental equivalent to cement. With the just right concoction, I found that it could be formed into a solid, long-term foundation.

Ten years ago, it seemed that every aspect of my life was leading up to Hanna. Yet we waited. We prayed, separately. We reflected on our friendship and tested it to see if it could hold the weight of romance.