A Legacy of Fear

This post is about the Legacy of Fear my father instilled in me that haunts me to this day.

The story goes that while I was a teenager, I would have deep "getting into God" times. These are the times where I would be reading my Bible and praying consistently. When I'm in these times, I'm sensitive to His Spirit. I don't read and pray on a schedule. Instead, I feel the small nudges on my soul as God asks me to spend time with Him. So I do, and the times are rich beyond measure.

Every so often I would fall off the wagon and have to learn it all over again. Then the cycle's intensity began to increase. I would get close, then something would happen and I'd fall off the wagon again, over and over, quicker and quicker.

It took me a couple years to realize that I was being pushed off. Every time I got close to God and really began to seek Him, my earthly father would become angry at something and go into one of his tirades. In these times, he became oppressive. He would look for tiny details of my life that caused him displeasure, and then he would squeeze. Most of the time he focused on stupid stuff. He would search my bedroom or look closely at my behavior just to find something to pick on. None of it was necessary. None of the things were terrible or even bad, they just were just things for him to control. These times sparked incredible anger and frustration in me, which in turn cut me off from God.

A pattern emerged. I became aware of it and began to test it. I'd go 3 months without devotions, then I would start them and observe the results. Within 1 week, my father would explode. After 1.5 years of testing, the results were conclusive. It was terrible. It was predictable. And ultimately, it was successful. A Legacy of Fear was born.

I lost the battle. I told God that I couldn't speak to Him under these conditions. I surrendered to the persecution and despaired. Around this time, I saw a movie which put forth a premise that really described how I was feeling. In the movie, the antagonist says, "Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers baled, what does that tell you about God?" I knew in my brain that he was wrong, because the premise is based in our perspective not on the personhood of God.

Still, the Legacy of Fear reigned in my life. It's control was devastating. I lost my muse. I lost my optimism. I lost my innocense. It wasn't all bad. I also lost my ignorance. I lost my arrogance. I lost my judgementalism. In essence, I became a different person.

The irony is that when I'm around God or when I read my Bible, my muse awakens. My ability to feel compassion and empathy and my ability to express myself in poetry rise from the ashes of my past and fill me with a vibrance I thought was long gone.

Yet the Legacy of Fear remains, like the White Witch's neverending winter without Christmas. So here I am, longing for the warmth of God's presence but trapped in icy fear. It's not courage I lack. I lack a careless stupidity, a free spirit persona, that would allow me to try to approach God again. I know that if I decide to do so, within 1 week, my father, who I have not talked to in over 4 months, would return with all his garbage, ready to unload some of it on my life.

I much prefer quietly dying of thirst rather than pulling the trigger of the gun someone is pointing at my head. This is melodramatic, of course, but the imagery seems apropos. Still, somewhere deep in my soul, my muse cries out to God. I keep telling it to be quiet, to not disturb the controlled calm I've managed to scrape together. Part of me wants God to stomp into my dark room and shed some light, but another part of me just wants to be left alone. My model for God is tainted, and I have trouble imagining a God who loves me despite my faults.

This song works pretty well for describing my feelings and also my hope. The verses are in one voice and the chorus and bridge are another voice's response.



In my hands
A legacy of memories
I can hear you say my name
I can almost see your smile
Feel the warmth of your embrace
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child
See the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are

Never thought
This day would come so soon
We had no time to say goodbye
How can the world just carry on?
I feel so lost when you are not at my side
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child
See the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are

So sorry your world is tumbling down
I'll watch you through these nights
Rest your head and go to sleep
Because my child, this is not our farewell.
This is not our farewell.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

Friday I saw this movie for the second time. The Dark Knight, the sequel to Batman Begins, is much darker than its predecessor. In fact, this movie was more visceral than many movies I have seen recently. Given this movie's blockbuster records and the fact that it has potential to be the highest grossing movie ever, I figured I should review it.

Gains: +10
The plot and graphic nature of the script danced with an R rating but never stepped over the line. This tightrope walk gave you all the benefits of experiencing the danger and horror while sparing you the gory details. The layered plot was even more savory on the second viewing and whetted my appetite for future viewings. The idea of a terrorist bringing a city to its knees in fear is compelling, but just when hope hangs by its thinnest thread, great decisions are made and great deeds are performed, and not just by Batman. I hate when movie scripts give me reasons to pity villians. These reasons usually whitewash the villian's own choices. The tangled web of conflicting stories the Joker tells gives you more a view into his mindset and goals than into his past. He seemingly comes from out of nowhere and began his campaign against the natural order of his society. This appeared to be more a case of plot function than of oversight.

The Joker is amazing. Rarely does anyone overcome the hype. Heath Ledger crushed the hype beyond anything I have ever witnessed. Too bad he died. I loved the cast: every single character had meaningful lines and roles. The movie was 2.5 hours long and none of the space felt wasted. For the first time in a long time, I felt in real time how long the movie actually was, but I was not interested in having it end.

Without giving anything away, I have to say that the ending of the movie gave me chills. In self-sacrifice Batman gives up the portion of his character he holds most dear, for the good of his city. His reasoning: because his Batman persona can shoulder the responsibility.

The movie is violent, but even after two viewings I cannot remember any blood. This is a small point, but it's a critical hinge, I think. A character is horribly mutilated, but the terrible scarring is more fascinating than disturbing. Though the injury changes him, the guy is still the same man with the same issues he had before his disfigurement.

Losses: -2
The movie is dark and sinister. While this adds a couple points, it also gets logged as a loss. I'm totally okay with darker plots, but for those who are more sensitive, this will take away from the movie. Truth be told, the movie is more sinister than actually scary. Of course, for kids this movie could be nightmare inducing. You are warned. The darkness is not for effect, it serves a purpose in the plot. When things get muddled, when you stare darkness and chaos in the face, only then do you see the true hero reveal himself.

The movie is violent. Even the good guy does massive amounts of violence to bad guys, even as he tries to hold onto his rule of never killing people. The Joker lets nothing stand in his way to total chaos. He will kill anyone or entice people to kill each other in order to achieve his ends.

Edit: After Amber's comment about Katie Holmes and Maggie G., I felt I needed to address it in the blog. Maggie G. is one of my favorite actors. Katie Holmes is not. But after watching the Katie/Christian Bale chemistry and then seeing the Maggie/Bale version, I have to say that Katie was much better for the role. The character Rachel has a critical role in the film, and it would have worked far better if Katie had the role. The chemistry between Batman/Bruce Wayne and Rachel needed Katie Holmes.

Final Judgement: +8
Moral themes ooze abundantly from the pores of this movie but never get preachy or removed from the story. This gives the movie depth way beyond even good Hollywood movies. More viewings of The Dark Knight will help me determine if I think it deserves to replace Serenity as my most favorite movie. It's definitely in my Top 10, which means I will have to look at the list to decide what gets bumped off. Even if you have reservations about seeing it, I would highly recommend that you give it a viewing.