I have not been posting lately because most of my creative energy has been going into writing a letter to my dad. This leaves my mind scourgified of words and increases my brain's Halo 3 requirements.
I'm unsure if I will send the letter because it's mainly for me and my peace of mind. The goal is accomplished. The arguments that were filling up my mind are quieted. I can now look at the letter any time I feel like obsessing and feel like I've spoken my piece.
Of course, this does nothing for the relationship. As long as I don't send the letter, nothing changes and my father remains insignificant in his forced silence.
So, the question is this: Do I keep the letter to myself and just let the tide of time scrub away the emotional aspect of the loss of my family? Or do I send the letter and risk more frustration and other worse emotions in order to give my father the chance to give me the parental relationship I've always needed but rarely gotten?
Of course, this is my decision, but feel free to sound off.
2 comments:
I think at this point, any communication between the two of you goes badly, makes you feel worse and makes him feel like the "righteous victim." It's just not worth it.
Also, I know I reached a point with my dad where I had to realize that even if we could build a relationship he could never be the father I had needed, because I was past the point of needing one. I let him know I was interested in a relationship of friends, but that we'd never really be father and daughter, he had sacrificed that, and at 19 we could not go back and redo what was done wrong. I am guessing it is much the same with you. Even if some kind of relationship can be salvaged, will it ever be the "parental relationship you always needed?" No. Because the relationship you need now is much different than the one you needed at 7, 10, 14, 16, 24, etc. but missed out on.
Even if you let him back in your life, I think "parental advice" will always feel chafing to you.
Also, I was only open to building any kind of friendly relationship with my father AFTER he wrote to me first (uninitiated) and took responsibility for the shambles our relationship was in and apologized, sincerely, for his behavior in the past while NOT trying to make excuses or passing any blame onto me, circumstances, my mom, addiction, etc. For the first time, he simply accepted his part and then stopped and waited for response. Your father has come no where close to ready to accept his part.
Will time scrub the pain? Maybe. What it will do it bring you to a place where the pain feels distant and removed and where you can see it from the view of a life you are enjoying wholly and without people in it who are causing you to feel like you do not deserve to a have a life that can be enjoyed.
I could be wrong, but you said to sound off...so there it is.
I agree with Amber,and not just because she's always right. (Though she is right in this case.)
If you're going to send anything to your dad, may I recommend some devil's snare (see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.) It works wonders.
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